Developing Emotional Competence: A Key to Managing Stress and Promote Healing

In Dr. Gabor Maté’s book, “When the Body Says No: The Cost of Hidden Stress,” he identifies three things in a person’s life that will invariably lead to an experience of stress: “uncertainty, the lack of information and the loss of control” (p. 34). Have you ever felt this way? For myself, I can say that I experienced all three in just this past week! Why this is important though, is because stress is closely linked to not only our mental and emotional health, but our physical health as well. In fact, “all three are present in the lives of individuals with chronic illness” (p. 34).

So what can we do? Interestingly, the answer is to develop emotional competence! Maté explains that “emotional competence is what we need to develop if we are to protect ourselves from the hidden stresses that create a risk to health, and it is what we need to regain if we are to heal” (p. 38).

And one of the first steps to developing emotional competence, and therefore healing from the impact of hidden stresses, is to practice “Acceptance” (p. 263). This is more than simply seeing and accepting the way things are in our life. It involves acknowledging and accepting ourselves as we are, including our imperfections. This doesn’t mean we have to like everything about ourselves, but it does require looking at ourselves as deserving of compassion, and challenging our belief that we are somehow not good enough (p. 264; p. 266).

One way to begin practicing this could be to ask yourself, “What would I say to a friend in the same situation as me?” What words of honesty and compassion might you offer them? What words would show them that you truly see and understand what they are going through?

Maybe something like: “You seem really hurt. No wonder it’s been so hard for you.” “What you’re going through, that must be really scary.” “I can see that you’re really angry, and I see why it’s so difficult for you to move forward.” 

And then, if possible, try and see if you can offer these same honest, compassionate and accepting words to yourself. This can be challenging to do at first, but can become easier with time and effort. 

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To learn more about the physical impact of stress, and the other steps to developing emotional competence, and healing, I highly recommend Dr. Gabor Maté’s book: “When the Body Says No: The Cost of Hidden Stress.”

Or you can contact me, Anna Kim, at Rock of Peace Counselling if you are looking for more support in your journey to further self-discovery and healing.